


Crosses of Life

by jebbypal



Category: Firefly
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-05
Updated: 2005-11-05
Packaged: 2017-10-10 05:01:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/95765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jebbypal/pseuds/jebbypal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Book will do anything to erase the past chapter of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crosses of Life

Book sits against the tree and stares out at the horizon. Waiting for the rising sun, he realizes that this is _it_ \- a painful chapter to his life would soon close. Come sunset, he'll start his ablations, and take his vows the next dawn. All his worldly possessions were already gone.

Well, almost all.

Fingering the ident card in his pocket, he considers throwing it away despite Shepherd Resolve's instructions to the contrary. The urge to discard it over the cliff with the rising of the sun is almost overpowering. As he'd told Shepherd Resolve during their sessions, only by leaving all of his life behind would he find redemption. Old man Resolve had disagreed.

* * *

_"We all carry our pasts, son. Only by openly baring those pasts to the Lord, can we be forgiven," Resolve says. Book bristles at the the white-domed shepherd's tone. The head of the abbey might be a bit older (and look every year of it), but he wasn't so old that Book could be his son. _

_Frustrated, Book stands and starts to pace. The old monk's knowing smile as he sinks further down into his seat only feeds Book's irritation. Resolve has often called Book on his psychological tricks, such as towering over the very short man in front of him, but Resolve has kept his silence on Book's tactics since he chose his new name and scheduled the day for his induction into the order._

_"You don't understand," Book tells him for the umpteenth time. Somehow, he feels that if he loses this argument today, he'll never have another chance to win it. "If I ever leave here and someone sees that card, sees that name, all of it will be meaningless. No matter how many good works I accomplish or how much I commit myself to being a better person, all of it will be erased the very second they see that name. It won't matter if I'm no longer him."_

_Resolve shakes his head and rises to start some tea. The ceremony, often used to calm the passions of the younger members of the order, calls forth a realization. This was never a discussion. He'd lost before he'd even begun._

_"I think you misunderstand the lessons, son - Book," Resolve corrects without even looking up from his task. "Joining our order, taking a new name, none of it is a rebirth. That won't happen until you meet our Maker and are judged worthy of eternal salvation. Until then, you are and always will be the person He made you the day you were born. To deny that, well, to my mind, it is much worse than any of the crimes or sins you've committed in this life."_

_Book sinks into his chair as if hit. This is the first time that Resolve has ever indicated that he is aware of the blood soaking every inch of Book's hands. Book chose this abbey on Persephone specifically for its isolation. The group rarely interacts with the planet's community and only ministers to the dying and the poor, groups that have little or no use for current events._

_Book looks up when he hears the cup of tea clink in its saucer next to him. Resolve stands next to him, face full of grief. "We've all made mistakes, son. Sometimes those mistakes have consequences beyond our imagining. Yet our sins and our mistakes, they mark us and make us the people we are. They are our crosses to bear. Toss away the cross, and the rest of the sacrifice is meaningless. Without the cross, you become a boy running away from home, unable to find the courage to face the displeasure of his parents."_

* * *

With that conversation, Resolve had refused to broach the topic of Book's former life again. Book leaves the card in his pocket and instead looks out at Persephone's red and gold dawn.

Perhaps Resolve is right. Either way, it's not a decision he has to make today. While in the abbey, he doesn't have to worry about enduring the curses of mourning parents or attending the funeral of another fallen soldier. And in Book's mind, leaving the sanctuary of the abbey's walls will never happen until his Brothers take his body for burial.


End file.
